late occurrences

My mother always said that practice makes perfection,
And if you want some love, you must first show affection.
I’ve come realize that my best is not always the very best,
And that after a long day, sometimes you just need to rest.
I’ve made peace with the fact that you can’t always get what you need,
And that you must respect yourself if you want to succeed.
But it’s only lately occurred to me, that pain is a blessing,
And that sometimes the knowing isn’t as good as the guessing.
That God only gives us what we can handle,
And that if you want to see, you must light the candle.
That good timber does not grow with ease,
And the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees.

three AM.

i’m laying in bed, woken up at 3 am
for the fourth time this week.
i can’t believe i’m still crying,
rape isn’t for the weak.

i’m remembering what happened,
going over it in my head.
i used to feel safe at home,
now i don’t even feel it in my bed.

i’m dreading waking up tomorrow,
wishing i wouldn’t at all.
i didn’t take the step,
why did i have to take the fall?

i’m losing all hope that
i’ll ever be a whole person again,
it’s messing with my soul,
it’s messing with my head.

i need a hand to hold my own,
a reason to stick around,
because people like me often
wind up six feet in the ground.

a castle with four walls

i resides in a castle,
well-guarded by the four walls
that i have built over the years.
the walls made of the bricks of feeling,
of fears and insecurities.
 
when people remark on my beauty,
i laugh at them, because i reside in a castle.
and they are simply just patronizing
me, my ego, my fragility,
trying to break through the walls.
 
when people tell me it was not my fault,
i laugh at them, because i reside in a castle.
and they are simply just comforting
me, my ego, my fragility,
trying to seep through the cracks.
 
when people say that i can survive the past,
i laugh at them, because i reside in a castle.
and they are simply boosting
me, my ego, my fragility,
trying to slip past the guards.
 
when people say that i have a future,
i laugh at them, because i reside in a castle.
and they are simply encouraging
me, my ego, my fragility,
and they can’t understand the walls.
 
i reside in a castle,
well-guarded by the four walls
that i have built over the years.
the walls made of the bricks of feeling,
of the past and the pain.

like this one

i used to be obsessed with the idea

of rhyming poetry…

back when i was obsessed

with the idea of perfection.

now that i’ve realized that

i am simply not perfection material,

my poems cease to rhyme,

and are scattered and unrelated,

quite whimsical and ridiculous.

like this one.

it’s me

originally, this conquest for a therapist

consisted of my mother wanting me to want help.

then i became interested in the idea of help,

and now i can’t find one i like or trust.

and after seven or eight different shrinks,

i’ve come to the realization

that maybe it isn’t them that i don’t trust,

it’s me.

silence and permanency

the library is quiet,

quiet enough to hear my own thoughts.

which i would rather ignore.

the thoughts of who i was,

who i am, and why i’ve changed.

i would prefer to stick to the

maybes, the shoulds, and the woulds-

the past and the present

and much too defined.

much too permanent.

and permanency has never

been my thing.

i would much prefer

the library to be loud.

its silence allows my to hear myself.

and i’d rather be deaf

to my own thoughts.

Convenient

to think we were more than just physical.
more than just convenience at its best.

some of my innocense has been washed away.
and i all i wanted was a loophole in this test.

at least i know there arent any loopholes
and theres no way for me to get out of this one.

and every word you said was dripping with euphoria
youassured me that life wasn’t a war to be won.

you had me convinced that you were there for me
by my side, because i meant something real to you.

you told me i was beautiful, and at that moment, i felt it.
you held me as we looked up in stars amid blue.

and if i could have told you inthree words what i wanted
i would have said, a lifetime with you

i should have known, but yet again, im naive beyond measure
and i thought we were real. forever. true.

and with every kiss that i received, every seductive glance
i should have known that we never had a chance

but if i could have willed it, it would be so
if i could have held onto this forever, we’d have never let go

so maybe im just a satisfy, maybe im just convenient
but remember, i loved you. i wish you could have seen it.