My Silence Lies

My mouth remains closed
for fear of
what will come out
when it is opened.
my silence says that
there is nothing to say
worth saying,
and everything is fine
that needs to be.
but my silence lies.
my silence makes me
the victim, and
my confession would
give me the strength
of a survivor.
but maybe i don’t want
to survive.
maybe that kind of
survival hurts too much.
my silence says that
there is nothing to say
worth saying.
my silence lies.

Defines Me

My imperfections define me,
But my past binds me,
Tightly.

I’m stuck in a moment long ago,
That won’t let me go,
Free.

I wake up in the middle of the night,
Shaken and sweating with fright,
Inside.

He took from me what I wouldn’t give,
But what I would give to be able to live,
Again.

I curse his name, his living being, his life,
But I curse my own more, for allowing this strife,
To me.

I’m stuck in a dilemma, with my mouth closed,
Unable to reveal why I’m so opposed
To life.

My imperfections define me,
But my past binds me,
Tightly.

My Forehead

my forehead
is a sweet caramel
with wisps of hazelnut hair
hanging over it.

my forehead
is where my father puts an “L”
and my mother
puts her kisses.

my forehead
has no writing on it.
but I swear
it might as well.

my forehead
says that its owner
is lonely
and has lost hope.

my forehead
says that I’m
not who I say I am
and that I’m much less.

my forehead
says that this girl
is a rape victim
and afraid of everything.

my forehead
says that my
eating disorder never left
and my soul never returned.

my forehead
posts my insecurities
and ridicules
all of my faults.

my forehead
says that passing cars
beg me to jump
in front of them.

my forehead
says none of this.
but when I look in your eyes,
I swear that it does.

What If

what if i’m not
your average girl?
what if i’m fucked up
and its not the world?
what if i’m a lie
and lost underneath it all?
what if i’m falling
and i won’t survive the fall?
what if my past is just
a part of my creation?
what if this disaster is just
a result of my frustration?
what if i’m a prisoner
within my own self?
what if i can’t get out
‘cause i don’t know anything else?

The Promise

i made myself promise
to love myself against
all odds. this was back in
the day, when life made sense.

somehow said that my worth
is not determined by my size,
that i would accept myself; no
matter how big my thighs.

that i didn’t need to worry
about finding a date;
that men would love me
regardless of my weight.

and the best bull i shitted,
was that beauty is on the inside;
i made this vow, to discover;
all i discovered was that i lied.

i made myself a promise,
to believe the lies i told.
i promised to believe what
i wanted to; my soul was sold.

now my cheeks are wet
from the tears that i’ve wept.
and this is the promise that
i’ve everything BUT kept.

Some Nothing Girl

You look at me tongue-tied,
and see something of another kind.
I won’t give you my pride,
and I wont let you take my mind.

These are things that you can’t see,
things that are deep within me;
songs that only I can sing,
happiness only I can bring.

Wow, what a nothing girl,
is what you think to yourself,
just ‘cause my toes wont curl,
when threatened by society’s belt.

Standing strong and shoulders back,
I am stronger in the face of fear.
My strengths make up for what I lack,
I am as rounded as a sphere.

What others think of me is irrelevant,
my own mind knows the truth.
I know how to get what I want,
I don’t need some fountain of youth.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
and holding is what I shall do.
I know that I’m sharp enough to smolder,
I hold to my values and what shows true.

All Hope of Clarity

I clearly have lost all hope of clarity,
but won’t you tell me a story,
so i can lose my mind,
just give me some time.

so i gather my scattered thoughts,
and return everything that i’ve bought.
because time is flying,
and my eyes are crying.
no one ever says time flies without fun,
no one ever lets their mascara run.

but this time,
my mascara’s creating a cloud on my face,
and i’ve lost the end of my threelegged race.
promise me you’ll help me find my mind,
after i’m done getting lost this time.

i’ve lost myself,
in my race against fate.
it’s just not clear, why i’m here,
then again, what is clarity again?
and why would my friend
leave her knife in my back,
won’t her mother want it back?

so i gather my scattered thoughts,
and return everything that i’ve bought.
because time is flying,
and my eyes are crying.
no one ever says time flies without fun,
no one ever lets their mascara run.

My Declaration

my strength is not determined by how many pounds i can lift
my life is not determined by who is in it
my body is not determined by the number on the scale
my beauty is not determined by sixth grade pictures
my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
my emotions are not determined by the smile on my face
i dont need friends on myspace to know that people care
if you want to be in my life, you put yourself there, and i will keep you there
i will be behind you, always and forever
the only unexpected betrayal is performed by me
if you love me, tell me; if i hurt you, tell me- im not and will never be a mind reader
i will save my virginity for someone special, someone permanent
you cannot take away from me what really matters, because love and friends are not tangible
it is my right to value myself, regardless of what you think
i have more gradients than the color of my skin
i am like a present; from the outside you have no idea how incredible i can be
you are free to think whatever you please about me; i know the truth
i will not compromise myself for you; but if you were worth it, you wouldnt have have had to ask

The Victim of My Own Psychology

Maybe I’m independent, leading a rebellion.
Then, suddenly, I’m enamored, even addicted.
I will be petrified of a million harmless things,
yet there are several times of a wild and strong me.
I can be clear, I can be quirky.
Sweet is my style, with a hint of edginess.
My ears are pierced, but my heart is tight-knit.
My friends make me enough: our bodies are separate,
but our souls come together.
I think I’m lucky, but always wishing for more.
Often psyched but never shocked-
I place the blame for pressuring myself.
When I should let go, I’m still holding the reins.
I’ve been accused; maybe I’m to blame,
for being the victim of my own psychology.

Don’t Underestimate Me

Don’t underestimate me,
Because even I don’t know my own power.

I didn’t think I had a power button,
But I figured out how to turn me off.
I didn’t think I could reverse time,
But I figured out how to reverse consumption.
I didn’t think I could trust anyone,
But I figured out how I need trust.

Don’t underestimate me,
Because even I don’t know my own power.

You didn’t think I could have the last word,
But I figured out that you didn’t have to hear it.
You didn’t think I wanted to break myself,
But I figured out that after breaking is healing.
You didn’t think I could make my way,
But I figured out that I’m not a follower.

Don’t underestimate me,
Because even I don’t know my own power.

No one thought I could hurt so bad,
But I figured out that pain made me numb.
No one thought I could hate myself,
But I figured out all of the horrible things.
No one thought I could leave it all behind,
But I figured out how much better it would be.

Don’t underestimate me,
Because I don’t even know my own power.

Everyone thought I was a lover,
But I figured out how many things I hated.
Everyone thought I was so happy,
But I couldn’t see past the depression.
Everyone thought I had myself under control.
But I figured out everyone knows nothing.

Don’t underestimate me,
Because I don’t even know my own power.